


The Dangan Bride

by asinineAnomaly



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Also the miracle max/Valerie scene screams kiibouma don’t @ me, It’s the princess bride but with v3 charas, M/M, Other, Shuichi is buttercup except less damsel in distressy, because hes the prettiest boy in the world, etc etc - Freeform, gonta is fezzik, hoshi is westley because I like saihoshi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:18:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17400755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asinineAnomaly/pseuds/asinineAnomaly
Summary: Maki had somehow been convinced to read a story to the kids in the orphanage, something they, for whatever reason, looked forward to. She opened the book.“The Princess Bride.”





	The Dangan Bride

**Author's Note:**

> Ok this mostly follows the movie but there will be references to the book so!! Yeah

Someone had convinced Maki to tell the kids a story, something that rarely happened and was always interesting, even if she wasn’t the best at the actual storytelling. The kids in the orphanage sat, eagerly awaiting her story. 

 

She sighed, wondering how she managed to get into before opening the book, “The Princess Bride.”

 

One of the kids raised his hand, “Miss Maki, what’s this story about?”

 

“It’s a love story,” she answered, “but it has fencing, fighting, revenge, torture, giants, chases, true love.” She paused, “miracles.”

 

A different kid sighed, “It doesn’t sound too bad.”

 

“You’re vote of confidence is overwhelming,” Maki said, sarcastically.

 

_ Chapter 1 _

 

_ Shuichi was raised on a farm in the country of Florin. His favorites pastimes were riding his horse and talking to the farm boy, Ryoma. He never said much back, but any request Shuichi made was met with “as you wish.” He was amazed when he eventually figured out that when Ryoma was saying “as you wish” he actually meant “I love you.” And even more amazing was when he figured out he loved Ryoma back. _

 

**The library**

 

“Wait, wait, I thought this had other stuff!” One of the kids said.

 

Another nodded in agreement, “Is this a  _ kissing _ book?” He said, voice nearly a whisper.

 

Maki rolled her eyes, “We just started,” she deadpanned, “that stuff comes later, and no, it’s not a kissing book.”

 

_ Chapter 1. Again _

 

_ Unfortunately, Ryoma was too poor to take a groom, so he sailed to America to make his fortune. The final day before Ryoma left, the two shared a final farewell. _

 

“Will I ever see you again?” Shuichi asked.

 

“Of course you will.” Ryoma replied.

 

“But what if something happens to you?”

 

“I will always come for you.”

 

Unfortunately, it did little to quell Shuichi’s fears, “How can you be so sure?”

 

Ryoma smiled, “Because this is true love, do you think it happens everyday?”

 

Saihara gave a small smile back, his worries were still in the back of his mind but for the moment, everything was alright.

 

_ Lamentably, it wasn’t meant to last. The ship Ryoma was on was attacked by the dread pirate Ikusaba, who was known for leaving no survivors. When Shuichi heard his love had perished, he locked himself away for days. I will never love again, he vowed. _

 

_ Chapter two _

 

_ Five years had passed and the princess of the nation, Tsumugi, was preparing to announce her chosen groom.  _

 

“Tomorrow, our nation will celebrate its 500th anniversary and, on that day, I will marry a man who was once a commoner,” she announced, “would you like to meet him?”

 

The crowd gave a resounding “yes!” And Tsumugi gave the cue for Shuichi to come out.

 

_ Shuichi came out, dressed in a fine, elegant dress, smiling politely and waving daintily, as he had been taught in princess school (although overall it was an experience he’d rather not think about) but his eyes were dull with the emptiness he had felt since he learned of Ryoma’s death. He glanced at Tsumugi, thinking of how her threats and subsequent reassurance that they would grow to love each other, even though they both knew that would never happen.  _

 

_ Luckily, he still had his daily ride to look forward to but, today, he ran into a strange trio. One a large, muscular man, a buxom lady - ok, buxom may be putting it mildly - lastly a girl with a sword. _

 

“Excuse me, sir, we got lost in this forest, would you please show us the way to the nearest village?” The buxom lady said.

 

“Of course, but it’s miles away,” Shuichi told them, preparing to show the way.

 

“Kyahaha, fantastic, no one will hear your pitiful screams! Get him, Gonta!”

 

All Shuichi could get out was a weak “huh” before the world went dark.

 

Miu smiled, “This is going great! Get him on the boat you two dumbasses!” She took out a piece of fabric with the emblem of Gilder and laid it across the horse’s saddle, before smacking the horse to get it to move.

 

“What was that for?” Kaede asked, wondering why slapping the poor horse was necessary.

 

“That was the emblem of Gilder, the enemy of Florin!” Miu explained, “when the princess finds it and his dead body on the frontier, she’ll declare war and that’ll be another job well done! As expected from me!”

 

“Gonta doesn’t like this,” Gonta said, glancing sadly at Shuichi’s limp body.

 

“We’re starting a war, how else are we supposed to do it?” Miu demanded.

 

“Gonta just doesn’t want anyone to die. I don’t think it’s right.” 

 

“Think?!” Miu angrily walked towards the larger man, causing him to step back, “you weren’t hired to think, you idiotic fucking landmass! You’re here because, for all my greatness, I can’t carry all of us!” 

 

“I agree with Gonta,” Kaede said, a serious expression on her face.

 

Miu quickly swiveled to face her, angrily stomping her way, “So fucking what?! I’ll kill him whether you like it or not! I could’ve just left you in that fucking bar, drunk off your ass, complaining about some shit! Maybe I’ll take your ungrateful ass back there and drop Gonta off in Greenland all alone again!” After finishing her angry speech, she started untying the rope keeping the boat on the dock. 

 

“Miu doesn’t need to make such a fuss,” Kaede muttered to Gonta, unfurling the sail.

 

Gonta smiled, he could make a rhyme with that! He liked rhymes, they were fun, “Gonta think she like to scream at us.”

 

Kaede smiled back, “She probably means no harm.”

 

“She’s really short on charm!”

 

“You’re great at rhyme.”

 

“Only some of the time!”

 

Miu glared at them, “Enough.”

 

Kaede smiled sweetly, calling out, “Gonta! Are there rocks ahead?”

 

“If there are, we all be dead!” Gonta answered.

 

Miu’s glare intensified, “No more rhyming now I mean it!”

 

“Anyone want a peanut?”

 

“AAARGH!”

 

_ So, they set off on the water, towards the frontier. A few hours later, Kaede had a feeling someone was following them, and kept looking back to check. _

 

“Why do you keep doing that?” Miu asked, confused.

 

“Are you sure no one’s following us?” Kaede asked, looking towards the horizon.

 

“We’re in the middle of the fucking ocean at night, it’s inconceivable that someone could see us let alone follow,” Miu replied, confident as ever, “why? You scared someone’s gonna catch you looking at porn or some shit like that?”

 

“N-no,” Kaede stuttered, flustered by Miu’s abrasive crudeness, “I just… see a boat out there.”

 

Miu quickly stood, walking towards the hull, “Probably just some asshole off to masturbate. In shark infested waters. At night.” Yeah, not even she was convinced by that one.

 

_ Shuichi opened his eyes, he had been awake for a while, but now that the trio was distracted he might be able to get away. He slipped out of the (badly tied) ropes, and dove into the water. _

 

“What was that?” The trio quickly went to the side of the boat, looking out to see Shuichi swimming away.

 

“Well, go in after him!” Miu yelled.

 

Kaede shook her head, “I can’t swim.”

 

“Gonta can only dog paddle,” he said, making the appropriate hand motions.

 

Miu scowled, “Fine, let’s get this piece of shit moving! You, pull that thing! No, that other thing! Gonta get ready!” She quickly ran closer to where Shuichi had jumped off, “you hear those?” As if on cue, a shark splashed out of the water, before going back down, “that’s a shark if you didn’t know! They’re attracted to blood so if you aren’t back in here quickly,” she smirked, pulling out a knife and laying it across her palm, “I’ll be sure to attract them with my wonderful blood.”

 

“I’d rather take my chances with the sharks!” Shuichi replied, desperately trying to stay afloat. 

 

Miu laughed, “I was hoping you’d say that!” She slashed her hand and her blood dropped into the water. A shark came towards it, with Saihara right in between. 

 

**The library**

 

“He doesn’t get eaten,” Maki stated.

 

“What?” One of the kids muttered.

 

She smiled softly, “You looked worried so I just wanted you to know.”

 

“I-I wasn’t nervous!” One of the smaller kids stuttered, nervously clutching a stuffed animal

 

“Alright,” Maki replied, wholly unconvinced.

 

_ Chapter 3 continued _

 

_ He tried swimming for safety but the shark was too fast, as it opened its jaw he was lifted out of the water, back to safety in the boat. He shivered, that had been a close call. _

 

Miu smirked, “You’re not gonna try to escape again, now, are you? Hahaha, another genius plan successful!”

 

Kaede frowned, “The boat’s getting closer.”

 

Miu’s mood did a quick 180, “Fuck, we gotta move it! Bet you think you’re so smart, delaying us like that.”

 

Shuichi looked her in the eye, defiantly, “Only compared to some.”

 

Miu scowled, “Whatever, we’re almost at the Cliffs of Insanity.”

 

True to her word, they reached the Cliffs soon after, as the sun peeked over the horizon. The trio and their captive quickly left the boat, Miu hastily tying it to the dock as Gonta put on a harness and gave a soft tug to make sure the rope they placed was secure. Kaede securely put Shuichi on Gonta’s back, before getting on herself. Miu climbed on after tying the boat, yelling at Gonta to “go! Go!  _ Go!”  _

 

Gonta started climbing, “We should be safe for a while, that asshole’s gonna have to go searching for a harbor. I blocked the dock and Gonta’s the only one who can climb this way,” Miu said, after noticing Kaede glancing back, “I’m such a genius!” She ended, smugly.

 

“He’s on the shore,” Kaede replied, worried again, “I… I think he’s gonna climb the rope.”

 

“Inconceivable! Faster, Gonta!”

 

“Gonta can’t go faster.”

 

“What the fuck! You’re supposed to be this legendary fucking colossus with unparalleled strength! Why the fuck is he gaining on us!” Miu spat.

 

“Gonta think,” he grunted, climbing a rope carrying three people took a good amount of effort, even for him, “it because Gonta is carrying three people, but he only have himself.”

 

“That’s no fucking excuse! Maybe I should just fire your ass!”

 

“Please, don’t say that, Miu.”

 

_ The moment they got to the ruins at the top, Miu pulled out a dagger and began cutting the rope, not even waiting for Gonta to finish getting up. The rope fell, but, fortunately, Gonta safely got over the edge to join the others. _

 

“He didn’t fall,” Kaede stated.

 

“What the hell! Inconceivable!” Miu yelled, growing more and more frustrated by their mystery pursuer.

 

Kaede looked at her quizzically, “You keep saying that. I don’t think that work means what you think it means.”

 

“Shut up,” Miu growled, “he’s seen us with the prince so he’s gotta fucking die! You kill him,” she said to Kaede, before turning to Gonta, “and you’re carrying him until we get to the frontier.”

 

“I think I’ll use my left hand,” Kaede mused.

 

“I don’t give half a shit just make it quick!” 

 

“Be careful,” Gonta told her.

 

“Don’t worry, you should catch up with Miu,” she smiled, attempting to comfort the gentle giant.

 

“I’m fucking waiting!” Miu yelled, quickly exiting the ruins, Gonta following suit, gently carrying Shuichi.

 

Kaede did a few quick practice exercises before glancing over the edge, “Hey! It’s gonna take a while, isn’t it?”

 

“Yes, and it takes a lot of focus, so if you wouldn’t mind,” the man in black replied, shifting his feet to get another couple of inches up. 

 

Kaede looked away bashfully, “Sorry.” She moved away from the edge, did a few more quick warm ups, and went back to it. “You think you could get up here a little quicker?”

 

“If you’re in such a hurry, you could throw a rope,” The man in black replied, sardonically.

 

“I could, but I don’t think you’ll accept my help, since I’ll just have to kill you when you get up here,” Kaede replied, grimacing at the thought of killing him. It was her job, sure, but that didn’t mean she had to like it or be comfortable with it.

 

“That does put a damper on our relationship.”

 

“Oh, what if I promise not to kill you until you reach the top!”

 

“Sorry, but I’ll take my chances climbing.”

 

Kaede pouted, “How about if I give you my word as a fencer?”

 

“Nope, too many fencers have tried to stab me in the back.”

 

“Oh.” Kaede pondered this for a second, “what if I swear on the grave of my sister that you’ll reach the top alive?”

 

The man in black looked up at her, “Throw me the rope.”

 

She smiled, unlooping the rope around the rock, tossing it down, and making sure the man had a good hold of it. 

 

“Thank you,” the man said, once he made it up. He was panting but still reached for his sword.

 

“Oh, no, you can rest,” Kaede said, gesturing for him to sit down, “we can wait until you’re ready.”

 

“Thanks again,” the man said, sitting down and sighing.

 

“You wouldn’t happen to know a man in a leather mask, would you?” 

 

The man in black shook his head, “You always start conversations like that?”

 

“Oh, uh, my sister was killed by a man in a leather mask. She was a master sword maker, you see, and he requested a special sword and she agreed, for a price, of course, she had to take care of me after all. She spent a year on it, barely slept and ate while she did,” Kaede have a nervous chuckle, “it worried me but that’s what she was like when she started working. When he came for it, she had created a masterpiece and he wanted it but he… wouldn’t pay,” she grimaced, “my sister demanded the money and was killed for it. So, I challenged him to a duel, but I was never good with a sword, do you can imagine how that turned out.” She pushed some of her hair back, revealing a scar on her cheek, “he gave me this but I got the sword so… I’ve been training to avenge her ever since. And when I find him I’ll say,” she stood up feigning a fighting stance, “My name is Kaede Akamatsu, you killed my sister, prepare to die.”

 

The man looked down, before turning back to face her, “Why are you telling me this?”

 

Kaede smiled, “I’ve never really gotten to talk about it, and I’m going to kill you anyway so I figure I could get it off my chest,” she pulled out her sword, “sorry about that, by the way.”

 

The man in black got up and pulled out his sword in reply, “I understand, but you know, I could’ve killed you anytime during that.”

 

“But you didn’t. You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.”

 

He smiled, “You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die. “En garde.”

 

_ The two began circling, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Kaede, impatient and expecting to quickly win, started by thrusting and was quickly parried by the man. The man took his turn, pressing forward and gaining some ground, but never getting an actual hit. The fight continued this way, the duo blocking and dodging each other’s hits all while the man in black gained more ground, nearly backing Kaede off the edge of the cliff, in a deadly dance while the clashing of swords kept the rhythm. She was smiling, excited to finally have an opponent that didn’t go down quickly, deciding it was time to pull out her trump card. _

 

“Why are you smiling?” The man asked, pressuring her towards the edge.

 

“Because I know something you don’t,” Kaede said, successfully getting him away from her, “I’m not left handed!” 

 

_ She quickly switched hands, and the battle quickly turned around, she was the one gaining ground now, and successfully backed the man onto the edge of the ruins, pressuring him to tumble down the side and off the cliff below. _

 

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not left handed either,” the man said, shifting the sword to his right hand.

 

_ He began gaining ground again, and Kaede thought she might lose. The feeling of insecurity had become foreign to her from years of training and winning boring battles she never had to go full out on. It was strange and it was…  _

 

_ It was absolutely exhilarating. She decided it was time to go completely showcase her arsenal of skills and began moving even faster. The tide of battle turned again, and it looked like she would win. But the man in black surprised her, he had successfully got her, and her sword lay a foot away from her. She had lost. _

 

“Who are you?” Kaede asked, after being disarmed and thoroughly bested.

 

“No one of consequence,” the man in black quipped.

 

“Please tell me?”

 

“Get used to disappointment.”

 

Kaede looked to the ground, “Please, kill me quickly at least.”

 

“I’d rather not kill you at all, but I can’t have you following me…” he trailed off, before giving her a quick hit to the head, knocking her out, “you are an amazing fencer, I was honored to battle you.”

 

_ Later… _

 

“He’s fucking following us?! How the hell…? It’s inconceivable!” Miu yelled, “give him to me, you’ll have to fight that bitch your way.”

 

Gonta handed Shuichi over before looked at her with a befuddled expression, “My way?”

 

Miu handed him a rock, “You take this, hide behind that rock,” she pointed at a large boulder, “and when his shit shaped head pops out, hit it with the fucking rock!”

 

“Gonta way not very sportsmanlike.”

 

Miu left, deciding not to comment on that statement.

 

_ When the man in black arrived, a rock whizzed by his head, shattering when it hit the boulder beside him. _

 

“Gonta didn’t have to miss,” Gonta said, coming out behind the rock, “he think we should fight like god intended, no weapons or tricks.”

 

“You mean you’ll put down your rock, I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try to kill each other like civilized people?” The man said, slowly putting down his sword when Gonta nodded. After Gonta put down the rock, the man charged at him, punching wildly to no effect, “are you just messing with me?”

 

“Gonta want you to think you’re doing well!” Gonta tried to grab him, only to be dodged effortlessly, “you’re quick.”

 

“Thank god,” the man quickly dodged another swipe.

 

“Why you wear that mask? Were you burned by acid?”

 

“Nope, they’re just really comfortable. I bet everyone will be wearing them in the future,” the man in black jumped on Gonta’s back, putting him in a weak choke hold.

 

“Gonta think he know why you’re giving him so much trouble. He hasn’t fought one person in so long.” Gonta stumbled slightly, before running backwards into a boulder.

 

“What’s the-“ he grunted, he hit the boulder, “-difference?” He wheezed.

 

“You use… different moves… when fighting a group… than just… one… person,” Gonta forced out, before fainting.

 

The man in black checked the larger man for a pulse, “Sleep well,” he said, leaving the unconscious man.

 

_ Meanwhile… _

 

“There was an epic fight here,” Tsumugi said, gently touching the ground.

 

“How did it end? Who won?” Korekiyo asked.

 

“Um… let’s see,” Tsumugi mimicked some of the movements, “the loser went… that way, alone,” she pointed towards the woods surrounding one side of the ruins, “the winner… followed those footprints.” She pointed towards the Gilder frontier.

 

“I see, should we split up and track them both?” Korekiyo asked.

 

Tsumugi thought for a second, “No, it’s plain to see the loser is of no consequence. Let’s head towards Gilder.”

 

Korekiyo nodded in agreement. 

 

_ Later… or something… _

 

Miu sat, patiently waiting for the man in black, dagger on a blindfolded Shuichi’s neck. “I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you.”

 

“Let me explain-“ the man started.

 

“No way! You’re just trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.”

 

“Maybe we can come to an agreement?” The man offered.

 

“Fuck no! You move an inch and I kill him.”

 

“I guess we’re at an impasse,” the man replied

 

Miu scoffed, “Unfortunately. The moment I move you’ll be on me, but there’s no way you can outsmart a genius like me.”

 

“You’re that smart?” The man in black replied, curiously.

 

“Obviously! I know more than you ever could.”

 

The man smirked, “Then I challenge you to a battle of wits.”

 

“For the prince?” Miu smiled when the man nodded, “to the death?” The man nodded again, and Miu chuckled, “I accept!”

 

“It’s simple. Pour the wine, I’ll add this poison,” he held out the vial for Miu to see, “its iocane powder, odorless, tasteless, dissolves almost instantly in water, and is one of the… deadlier poisons.” He took the now wine filled glasses hiding them from Miu’s view. When he put them back he declared, “its begun, it ends when you decide which glass to drink from and we’ll find out who’s right and who’s  dead.”

 

“But it's so fucking simple. All I have to do is figure it out from what I know of you: are you the kind of shit bag who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? A genius like me would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a big fucking dumbass would reach for what he was given. I’m not a dumbass, so I clearly can’t choose the shit in front of you. But you have to know I’m not an idiot so I clearly cannot choose the wine in front of me,” Miu explained.

 

“Have you decided?” The man asked.

 

Miu shook her head forcefully, “Fuck no! Because iocane comes from Australia fucking obviously, and Australia is filled with criminals like you, you look like some fucking pirate asshole, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I clearly can’t choose the shit in front of you.” 

 

“You have a dizzying intellect,” the man replied, sardonically.

 

Miu smirked, “I’m just getting started, shit nuts! Where was I?”

 

“Australia,” The man offered.

 

“Yes! You know iocane comes from Australia, where else would you fucking get it? So, obviously I can’t choose that shit in front of me.”

 

“You’re stalling.”

 

“You fucking wish! You've beaten my giant, which means you're a strong asshole, so you could've put the poison in your own glass, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can fucking clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also beaten my fencer, which means you gotta have studied, and in studying you must have learned that men die, so you would have put the poison as far from you as possible, so I obviously can’t choose the wine in front of me,” Miu slammed her fists on the slab they were using as a table, causing the wine to slosh slightly.

 

“If you’re expecting me to give something away, it won’t work,” the man replied, an even confidence in his words.

 

“It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the poison is!”

 

“Then choose.”

 

“I choose- what the fuck is that?” Miu pointed towards the horizon and the man in black turned around to look, Miu switched the glasses while his back was turned.

 

“I didn’t see anything,” the man said.

 

Miu feigned confusion, “Well, that’s weird, but I guess I shouldn’t expect you to be able to see as far as my amazing eyes can.”

 

Miu tried to hold back her giggles, “I’ll drink from my glass and you from yours.”

 

The two took a drink, and the man declared, “You guessed wrong.”

 

Miu laughed, “That’s what you think! I switched the glasses while your back was turned you fucking moron! Everyone knows not to go against a genius in a battle of wits! Kyahahaha-“ she fell over, dead.

 

The man in black smiled, taking the blindfold off Shuichi and undoing the bonds that held him, “You… you put the poison in both glasses didn’t you? The correct answer would be to drink from the wine bottle,” Shuichi stated, “how are you not dead?”

 

“You’re right, I did. I’ve spent some time building up an immunity to iocane,” the man nodded in confirmation.

 

“I see…” Shuichi muttered, “who are you?”

 

“No one to be trifled with. That’s all. Now, come on,” the man tugged Shuichi along, forcing him to continue on.

 

_ Meanwhile… _

 

Tsumugi stared at a dent in the ground, “I think someone has beaten a giant. Do you think someone else is after the prince?”

 

Korekiyo nodded, “The question is, who?”

 

_ Later… _

 

The man stopped, “We should be far enough ahead to take a short break.”

 

Shuichi stopped, wheezing slightly, “You could… just turn me… in… get the… ransom money.”

 

The man in black, “It’s funny you think that’s what I’m after.”

 

“The Princess will find you,” Shuichi stated.

 

“Your love will save you?”

 

“She’s not my love,” Shuichi snapped.

 

“You admit it?”

 

“She knows,” Shuichi said, trying to stay calm.

 

“I see… break’s over,” the man got up, grabbing Shuichi harshly.

 

_ Meanwhile… _

 

“Hm…” Tsumugi looked down at the table, picking up a vial left on it, “Iocane. I’d bet my life on it,” she glanced at the body, “it’s plain to see she did. I hope the prince is still alive.”

 

“He has to be,” Korekiyo replied.

 

_ Later… _

 

“Let’s rest again,” the man in black said, warily eyeing the steep edge of the ravine they were following.

 

Shuichi was panting as they stopped, “You’re… the dread pirate… Ikusaba aren’t… you?”

 

The man smirked, “You’re right on the money.”

 

Shuichi glared at him, “You can die slowly and painfully.”

 

“Well, that seems harsh.”

 

“You killed my love.”

 

“Maybe so, I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours?”

 

“He was a farm boy,” Shuichi said, “kind and handsome. He always listened to me, no matter how stupid my complaints were or how long his days were…” Shuichi sighed. He missed Ryoma. He glared at the pirate, “You killed him, the dread pirate never takes prisoners!”

 

The man shrugged, “I can’t exactly make exceptions now can I? Anyone finds out I’ve gone soft, I’ll have a mutiny on my hands and that wouldn’t be any fun.”

 

“You mock my pain!”

 

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something,” he glanced back, noting Tsumugi and her convoy catching up, “at least he died believing in you. Did you at least wait until you got the memo before you got engaged?”

 

“I died the day I found out! I’ll have you know she threatened me into marrying her!” Shuichi yelled, angrily getting onto his feet, “Go suffer like Ryoma did!” Shuichi pushed the man down the hill.

 

“As you wish!” The man yelled as he tumbled down the hillside.

 

Shuichi’s eyes widened, ”Ryoma?” He muttered breathlessly. He looked down the hill, “tuck and roll,” he crouched down and tried to harmlessly roll down the hill, to no avail.

 

_ The two reunited at the bottom of the hill, slightly bruised and dirty but alive. The man had lost his mask, revealing what his face truly looked like.  _

 

“Ryoma… it is you,” Shuichi whispered, unable to believe it.

 

“Why didn’t you wait for me?” Ryoma asked, brushing Shuichi’s hair behind his ear.

 

“You were dead. Besides I’m sure…” Shuichi looked up, falling silent when his eyes reached Tsumugi’s horse at the top of the hill.

 

Ryoma followed his line of sight, “I see. Can you move?”

 

“You’re alive! I could fly if you wanted me to,” Shuichi answered, unsteadily getting on his feet.

 

Ryoma stood up, offering a hand to help Shuichi steady himself, “We need to make for the Fire Swamp. There’s no other way to get away.”

 

“Wait! I missed you so much,” tears began to well up in Shuichi’s eyes. 

 

Ryoma gently wiped them, “I’ll never leave you again.” Ryoma reached to kiss-

 

**The library**

 

“Not again!” One of the children whined, “another kissing part!”

 

“Hey! I like the kissing parts!” Another countered, pouting.

 

Maki sighed, “I can skip them if you’d rather that.”

 

“No! Don’t skip them!” One begged.

 

“Please, skip them!” Another said, brewing an argument in the library.

 

“I can just stop right now,” Maki threatened, causing the kids the gasp and a chorus of no!’s to ring out.

 

_ The top of the ravine _

 

“They spotted us and fled,” Tsumugi sighed.

 

“How troublesome,” Korekiyo agreed, “they seem to be headed towards the Fire Swamp.”

 

Tsumugi nodded, “Mhm, we’ll beat them to the other side,” she stated, starting her horse in that direction.

 

_ The bottom of the ravine _

 

Ryoma and Shuichi ran towards the Fire Swamp.

 

“They won’t follow us into the Fire Swamp,” Ryoma stated, tightly clutching Shuichi’s hand.

 

“We’ll never make it,” Shuichi muttered, nervously tugging the hem of his clothes.

 

Ryoma gave a gentle squeeze to Shuichi’s hand, “You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”

 

“That’s enough evidence for me,” Shuichi mumbled.

 

_ The two went into the swamp, cautiously but quickly going through it. _

 

“It’s not that bad,” Ryoma noted, sword out, doing his best to shield Shuichi.

 

Shuichi gave him an incredulous look.

 

“I’m not saying I’d build a summer home here, just that I expected it to be worse.”

 

Shuichi rolled his eyes.

 

_ The two continued on silently, with only the sounds of the swamp to accompany them. _

 

“I have a question,” Shuichi said, warily looking around to make sure nothing was following them, “what happened when you were at sea?”

 

“Well, the ship I was on really was captured by the dread pirate Ikusaba,” Ryoma started, “when we were captured I only said ‘Please, please I need to live,’ it caught his attention and he asked why, I told him it was for true love…” Ryoma gazed soulfully into Shuichi’s eyes, slowly moving closer to Shuichi before both turned away, it wasn’t the time, “it got his attention, and eventually he took me on as a valet. Every night he after work he would say ‘Good work, Ryoma, sleep well, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.’ This went on for three years, in my free time I learned to fence, flash step, anything anyone would teach me, really.”

 

“You’ll have to tell me about it sometime,” Shuichi replied.

 

“As you wish,” Ryoma smiled before continuing his story, “eventually, the previous Ikusaba became rich and wanted to retire. He called me to his captain and said he wasn’t the real dread pirate Ikusaba, his name was Kazuichi, and the one before him was named Kyoko. The real dread pirate Ikusaba has been retired for fifteen years and living like a queen in Patagonia.”

 

“Really?” Shuichi muttered in astonishment.

 

Ryoma nodded, “It’s the name that matters, who would surrender to the dread pirate Kazuichi? He offered to make me the next Ikusaba, so, when we got to the port, we took on an entirely new crew, and he pretended to be the first mate and called me Ikusaba. After the new crew was convinced, he slipped off when we got to the next port.”

 

“Huh,” Shuichi nodded in understanding, “I have another question. What’s that popping sound?”

 

_ A pillar of flame spouted inches in front of them, singing the tips of Ryoma’s gloves.  _

 

“The flame spouts!” Shuichi stated, “one of the three terrors of the Fire Swamp.”

 

The popping sound started again, towards the right, and Shuichi pulled Ryoma out of the way, “The popping indicates when and where the flames spout,” Shuichi surmised.

 

“Thank you,” Ryoma said, looking awestruck at Shuichi’s quick deduction.

 

Shuichi blushed, “Ah, it was nothing. Look out!” 

 

Ryoma stopped, abruptly getting into a defensive stance, “What?” 

 

“The ground is different here, white and sandy, it may be the lightning sand,” Shuichi said.

 

“Ah,” Ryoma lifted a stone and dropped it into the sandy patch, before reaching to see if he could grab it, “I can’t find it,” he said, briefly struggling to pull it out, “that’s two of the terrors, we should be able to get through.”

 

“What about the rodents of unusual size?”

 

Ryoma scoffed, “I don’t think they exist.” Of course, as though the universe decided to mock him, an unbelievably large rodent pounced on him. 

 

“Ryoma!”

 

_ Ryoma wrestled the large rodent, before it bit him in retaliation. He cried out in pain, flinging it off of him. Deciding Ryoma was too much effort, the barbarous animal went after Shuichi instead. Shuichi backed away, spying a large branch and grabbing it. He swung at the creature as Ryoma crawled towards it. The creature cried out, lunging for Shuichi, who tried to shield himself with the branch. Ryoma grabbed it as it lunged, the creature dragging him a few inches before the rodent lurched. _

 

“Ryoma, the Fire spouts! There should be another nearby soon!” Shuichi said, weakly batting the violent creature.

 

_ Sure enough, the popping sound started, and Ryoma wrestled the creature into the spurting flame. It gave an anguished screech before running away to lick its wounds. _

 

Shuichi instantly dropped the branch and helped Ryoma up, “You’re hurt,” he tenderly touched Ryoma’s bleeding shoulder, “we need to get out of here, quickly.”

 

Ryoma grimaced as Shuichi touched his shoulder, “No, I can keep going.”

 

“We need to get this wound cleaned,” Shuichi sternly replied. 

 

_ The two got out soon after, no more rodents after them, except maybe the biggest rat of all, the princess.  _

 

“We did it!” Shuichi smiled, happy he and his beloved were alive.

 

Ryoma smiled at his adorable smile, “We did.” Their celebration was short lived, however, when they noticed Tsumugi there.

 

“That was cute,” Tsumugi noted, before declaring her motive, “surrender!”

 

Ryoma took a defensive stance, “You want to surrender to me? I accept.”

 

Tsumugi paused, astounded, “... ok that was pretty good,” she admitted, “surrender to me.”

 

“We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp, we could easily live there for a while,” Ryoma countered, “you could visit if you feel like dying.”

 

Tsumugi frowned, she was starting to get annoyed, “Surrender.”

 

“No,” Ryoma firmly stood his ground.

 

_ Shuichi, meanwhile, was looking around. There was no way the princess and the count were alone with only one armored guard. It took him a second but he noticed a guard armed with a bow, aimed right for Ryoma. Now knowing what to look for, he turned, spying another guard. And another. And another. All aiming arrows toward Ryoma. _

 

“Surrender!”

 

“I’d rather die!” 

 

“Do you promise not to hurt him?” Shuichi yelled to Tsumugi.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Excuse me?” 

 

“If I come with you, do you promise not to hurt him,” Shuichi demanded, “he’s a sailor on the ship Revenge, swear to return him there.”

 

“Hm… alright,” Tsumugi complied, she turned to Korekiyo and whispered to him, “you can have him, but keep him in the Pit of Despair.”

 

Korekiyo hummed in satisfaction, “I will.”

 

Shuichi, meanwhile, turned to Ryoma, “I’m sorry, but I thought you died once, if I can save you, I will.” Tsumugi motioned for a soldier to help put him on the horse and, once he was seated, she rode off, leaving Ryoma with Korekiyo.

 

“Come, let's get you to your ship,” Korekiyo said.

 

“We both know that won’t happen,” Ryoma said, stone-faced.

 

Korekiyo nodded, motioning for the rest of the guards to come out.

 

“That’s a nice leather mask you have,” Ryoma smiled, “someone was looking for you.” And he was knocked out.

 

_ He woke up some time later, bound to a table, wounds being bandaged and a maid standing above him. _

 

“Where am I?” He asked, analyzing the room to find a way out.

 

“The Pit Of-“ the maid’s raspy voice started, before she cleared her throat, “Excuse me,” she continued, her now clear voice ringing out, “you are in the Pit of Despair the count’s torture playground.” 

 

“Then why are my wounds taken care of?” Ryoma questioned.

 

The maid paused, wringing the cloth she was cleaning his wounds with, “The count likes his subjects to be healed before he breaks them.” She continued to dress his wounds, “however, I have seen what The Machine can do and I could poison you, painlessly, if you’d rather,” she offered.

 

Ryoma turned to stare at the ceiling, “I can handle some torture,” when she stopped, he turned noting her incredulous expression, “don’t believe me?”

 

She shook her head, “You survived the Fire Swamp, so you must be brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.”

 

_ Meanwhile… _

 

Tsumugi looked at Shuichi, who was staring longingly out of the window, “He’s been like that since we got back,” she said to Korekiyo, “do you like my father’s failing health is upsetting her?”

 

Korekiyo have her a look, “Of course,” he replied, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

 

_ The king died that night, and Shuichi and Tsumugi were married soon after. The next day, he appeared before the people, this time as their king. _

 

**_“Wait, wait, wait.”_ **

 

**The library…**

 

“That can't be right!” One of the kids protested.

 

“Yeah, they’re not supposed to get married!” Another commented.

 

“Yeah! That’s not true love! That’s not miracles!” Another yelled, “that’s not fair!”

 

Maki’s grip on the book tightened, “Who said life’s fair?” She snapped, “where is that written? Life isn’t fair. Now, can I continue or not?”

 

The children grumbled, but kept quiet, allowing her to continue.

 

_ The castle square…  _

 

_ At noon, Shuichi was to meet his subjects, as their king. _

 

“My father’s final words were, ‘Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy.’ I present to you, your king, Shuichi.” Tsumugi announced.

 

_ Shuichi stepped out, wearing an elegant golden dress and an ornate crown. The people bowed, in awe, all except an old woman. _

 

“Boo! Boo! Boo!” The old woman spat, angrily scowling. 

 

Shuichi’s brow furrowed, “Why are you booing?”

 

“Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!” The woman yelled. 

 

“They would’ve killed him, if I hadn’t!” Shuichi countered.

 

“Your true love lives!” The old woman yelled back, “and, yet, you marry another! True love saved you, and you treat it like garbage! That’s what you are, the king of garbage!” She turned toward the crowd, “bow! Bow down to the king of slime! The king of filth! The king of putrescence!” She turned back to Shuichi, “boo! Boo! Boo!”

 

Shuichi jolted awake, heart beating out of his chest, “Just a dream,” he muttered. His nightmares had been getting worse as time went on, and with only ten days left to the wedding he wondered how much worse they would get.

 

**_“I told you they wouldn’t get married!”_ **

 

_ “Yep, you’re so smart, now, shut up.” _

 

Shuichi entered the princess’s office, “Am I interrupting?” He asked, noticing the count, Korekiyo, was already in the office.

 

“Not at all,” Tsumugi replied, “what is it?”

 

Shuichi hesitated, “I… I love Ryoma, I always have, and… I always will. I can’t… I can’t marry you,” he averted his eyes, trembling slightly.

 

Tsumugi’s expression softened, “I’ll call off the wedding,” she turned to Korekiyo, “you returned Ryoma to his ship, right?”

 

Korekiyo nodded, “Yes.”

 

“Then we’ll just alert him. But are you sure he still loves you? You did leave him in the fire swamp, and pirates aren’t exactly men of their words,” Tsumugi said.

 

Shuichi’s grip on his clothes tightened, “He’ll come for me.”

 

Tsumugi smiled, “I know I said I’d call off the wedding but how about a deal? You write four copies of a letter and I send my fastest ships to catch up with him. If he comes back before the wedding, it’s officially off, but if not, you get married to me, as planned.”

 

_ Shuichi hesitated but, eventually, nodded in agreement. He left, already thinking about what to say. _

 

Korekiyo turned to her, “I can see why the people are taken with him but, I wonder, how you’ll get out of this one.”

 

Tsumugi sighed, “He’s smart, so I’ll have to leave it to luck. It’s kind of a shame I have to kill him, it’s plain to see how pretty he is, and he would make a good king. But, well, can’t get revenge on Gilder any other way.”

 

Korekiyo closed his eyes in contemplation, “I see. Now, I’m going to prepare The Machine, would you like to observe its use?”

 

Tsumugi smiled, “You know I love to watch you work, but I’m swamped, I have to plan my country’s 500th anniversary, my wedding to arrange, my husband-to-be’s murder, and figure out how, exactly, I’ll blame Gilder.”

 

Korekiyo nodded, “I understand, but you should get some rest. If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.” He left for the Pit of Despair.

 

_ Ryoma woke up still strapped to the table, as the maid was placing suction cups on his body. He turned his head, noting the count was there. _

 

Korekiyo, realizing Ryoma was awake, got up and walked to The Machine. He lovingly placed a hand on it, “Beautiful, isn’t it?” He turned to Ryoma, “it took me half a lifetime to create it. I’m sure you know I have an…” he paused, carefully examining what word to use, “interest in pain. Currently, I’m writing a definitive work on the subject, so, please, be totally honest with me on how this makes you feel,” he moved to the structure controlling the amount it would suck, moving it from zero to one, “This is our first time, so we’ll start on the lowest setting.” He pulled the lever, starting The Machine.

 

_ Ryoma tried to think away the pain, focusing on Shuichi, his hair, his face, his voice, his stories, anything to get it to stop. But it proved too much, he writhed in agony.  _

 

Korekiyo stopped The Machine, “As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old, I’ve simply modified it to suck life. I just sucked a year of your life away, one day I may go as high as five but I’m honestly not sure what it would do to you,” he walked back to his desk, pulling out a quill and parchment, “now, tell me, how do you feel? Remember, this is for posterity, so do be honest.”

 

Ryoma whimpered, tears brewing in his eyes.

 

“I see,” Korekiyo wrote it down.

 

_ Later…  _

 

_ Kaito had been summoned by Tsumugi about security, she promised to give details when he got there, but he honestly didn’t understand why. He hasn’t heard of anything going on from his troops or his spy network but who was he to question the princess? _

 

“Kaito,” Tsumugi acknowledged as he walked in, beckoning him closer, “Gilder is sending assassins to kill my groom on our wedding night. They’re going through the Thieves Forest, so I’d like you to take care of it.”

 

Kaito was confused but complied, “My regular troops may not be enough, the thieves will resist.”

 

Tsumugi glared, “Then form a brute squad. He won’t be murdered.”

 

Kaito sighed, “It won’t be easy.”

 

Tsumugi sighed, “Try ruling the world, sometime.”

 

“Am I interrupting?” Shuichi asked, nervously standing in the doorway.

 

“We were just finishing up,” Tsumugi replied, motioning for Kaito to leave, “What is it?”

 

Shuichi glanced around, “I just wanted to know if you heard from Ryoma.”

 

“It’s only been two days, be patient,” Tsumugi said, going back to planning, “you’ll be the first to know if he gets back to us.”

 

Shuichi frowned, he didn’t like the way she said that, “... alright.”

 

_ The day of wedding came quickly, and, as requested, Kaito lead a brute squad to clear out the Thieves Forest. Kaede had gone back to the beginning, that is, wasted. _

 

“I’m here, Miu,” she absently took another sip of the bottle, “I’m here, at the beginning, waiting for you, and I won’t move.”

 

Of course, this is when one member of the brute squad came by.

 

“You need to leave,” he said, “Princess’s orders.”

 

Kaede just looked at him, “No.”

 

The man scowled, rolling his eyes and going to grab her. Kaede quickly unsheathed her sword and easily parried his arms. The man called to another member, “Get over here! This one isn’t budging!”

 

Gonta came over, in response to the man’s call, and smiling when he saw Kaede, “Kaede!”

 

Kaede smiled slightly, “Gonta, you finally got back here.”

 

“Gonta forget what Miu say,” Gonta admitted, “he end up on brute squad.”

 

“What matters is you got here,” Kaede replied, stumbling to get up.

 

“You don’t look so good,” Gonta said, worried, before smiling again, “Gonta will help!”

 

The brute squad member cleared his throat, alerting the duo that he was, in fact, still there, “Put her in the cart!”

 

Gonta shook his head, “Gonta no hurt friend!”

 

The man rolled his eyes, “I don’t care, just put her in the cart!”

 

Gonta shook his head, “No!”

 

The man protested, “You follow my orders!”

 

Kaede rolled her eyes, “Just knock him out.”

 

“Okay!” Gonta cheerfully punched him, effectively knocking him out, before taking Kaede into a nearby empty house.

 

_ Gonta proceeded to nurse his inebriated friend back to health, telling her that Miu was dead, and the man in the leather mask she searched for was the count. She took the news well. _

 

Kaede giggled slightly, before her face fell into the bowl of gruel Gonta had prepared.

 

“Oh dear,” Gonta muttered, before continuing his system of alternating her betweening hot and cold water, until the smell of alcohol left her.

 

“Okay! You can stop, I’m better!” Kaede yelled, “where’s this Korekiyo guy!”

 

“Gonta think he’s in castle but not sure,” Gonta admitted, “castle guarded by thirty people.”

 

Kaede sighed, “How many could you take?”

 

Gonta thought for a moment, before counting on his fingers, “Ten.”

 

Kaede’s brow furrowed in response, “That’d give me…” she paused, counting on her fingers, “twenty! … I can’t take that many. We need a strategy! … I’m not good at strategy. Miu?”

 

Gonta shook his head, “Miu dead.”

 

Kaede thought for a moment, “The man in black! He could do it! Let’s go!”

 

Gonta gave her a befuddled expression, “Go where?”

 

“To find the man in black!”

 

_ In the castle…  _

 

Kaito reported to Tsumugi, “The Thieves Forest is empty! I have thirty men guarding the castle gate.”

 

“Double it,” Tsumugi said, not looking up from her papers.

 

Kaito frowned, “There’s only one gate key, and I have it. There’s no way anyone can get in.”

 

Tsumugi looked up at him, displeased with his retort, “Double it.”

 

_ Kaito almost countered but figured he’d get the same response and left, preparing to get more guards at the gate. _

 

After watching him leave, Shuichi entered, and Tsumugi got up when she saw him, “Can you believe it? Tonight, we’ll be married and, tomorrow, we’ll be on our honeymoon with every ship in the armada.”

 

“Except the four fastest,” Shuichi quickly pointed out the hole in her statement.

 

Tsumugi’s smile faltered a bit, before she quickly recovered, “Of course. I didn’t think that was worth mentioning.”

 

Shuichi frowned, “Just as I thought, you never sent those ships. Don’t bother lying, it won’t do you any good. Ryoma will still come for me.”

 

“You don’t know that,” Tsumugi countered, annoyed.

 

Shuichi clenched his fists, all of his usual nervousness gone, replaced by confidence, “I do. We’re bonded by love and that’s something you can’t break, no matter how much you insist on testing it. Not that you’d understand, you’ve never loved anything.”

 

“Shut up!” Tsumugi snapped, “I’ll make sure you never see your precious Ryoma again!” She hurried out of the castle and into the Pit of Despair, mocking Ryoma, “he still thinks you have a chance! Maybe you could’ve been truly happy, not that you deserve it. So, suffer! Suffer like I have!” She turned The Machine to its highest setting.

 

“Not to 50!” Korekiyo yelled, but it was too late. She turned it on.

 

_ Ryoma screamed. A yell of pure agony that could be heard throughout the nation. _

 

“Do you hear that?” Kaede asked Gonta.

 

Gonta was holding his hands over his ears, “What is it?”

 

“The sound of ultimate suffering, I’d know it anywhere,” Kaede replied, starting in the direction it was coming from, “the man in black is making it.”

 

Gonta followed her, “How you know?”

 

“His true love is marrying someone else, who else has a reason to wail like that?”

 

——

 

_ The maid was in the middle of returning a wheelbarrow to the Pit of Despair when she was ambushed. _

 

“Tell us where the man in black is,” Kaede said, sword gently pressed against her neck.

 

The maid shook her head.

 

“Gonta, jog her memory.”

 

Gonta gave her a soft knock on the head. Only not soft enough and it knocked her out. He frowned, “Gonta sorry.”

 

Kaede sighed, “It’s alright, but now we can’t find out where he is until she wakes up. Unless…” she closed her eyes and lifted her sword, “Sister, if you’re out there, please, guide me, help me find the man in black so I can avenge you,” she stumbled around a second before opening her eyes. She shrugged, “it was worth a shot,” she leaned on one of the trees, triggering a mechanism and opening the door. She glanced at Gonta who looked just as surprised as she did, and the duo went through the door.

 

“He’s dead,” Gonta said, lifting his head from trying to hear Ryoma’s heartbeat.

 

**The library**

 

“What do you mean he’s dead?!” One of the children yelled. 

 

“He can’t be dead!” Another concurred.

 

“He has to be faking,” A third stated.

 

Maki sighed, “Do you want me to read this or not?”

 

“Who gets them?” One kid interrupted.

 

“What?”

 

“Someone has beat the bad guys! Someone always beats the bad guy!” She said.

 

Maki looked down and closed her eyes, thinking of something she’d rather not, “Not necessarily.”

 

“That means they win!”

 

Maki was startled back into reality, “What?”

 

“That means they win!” The kid repeated.

 

“It doesn’t,” Maki replied, in a voice that said this conversation was over, “I can leave, if you’d rather have that.”

 

“No!” The kids, once again, chorused.

 

_ In the Pit of Despair _

 

“We can’t give up,” Kaede said, “we’re too close. Do you have any money?”

 

Gonta rummaged through his pockets, “A little.”

 

“I hope it’s enough…” Kaede started back to the stairs, “could you bring the body?”

 

Gonta gently lifted the body and followed Kaede. 

 

_ The duo, along with Ryoma’s body, headed through the forest, on their way to find the miracle maker, Kokichi.  _

 

Kaede knocked on the door, prompting a slot to open and a face to appear, “What?”

 

“Aren’t you Miracle Kokichi who worked for the king?” Kaede asked.

 

“Didn’t you hear? His daughter fired me, it’s a painful subject,” Kokichi said, feigning overdramatic hurt in his voice, “while you’re at it, why not give me a nice, painful cut and pour lemon juice on it.” He shut the slot.

 

Kaede knocked again.

 

“Get away, or I’ll call the brute squad.”

 

“I’m on brute squad,” Gonta said.

 

Kokichi looked at him, “You are the brute squad.”

 

“We need a miracle. It’s important!” Kaede said, an urgent earnesty in her voice.

 

“So? Why’d you want someone the king’s daughter fired?” He asked, again feigning melodrama, “I might kill who want me to miracle.”

 

“He’s already dead,” Kaede replied, sadly.

 

“Oh?” Kokichi was interested now, he opened the door, “let me see him.”

 

Gonta places Ryoma on the table, and Kokichi began to look at him, “I’ve seen worse.”

 

“Sir, we’re in a hurry,” Kaede urged him.

 

“Don’t rush me. Rush a miracle man you get a rotten miracle,” he smiled mischievously at them, “unless that’s what you want.”

 

“No!” Kaede argued.

 

“Wow, ok,” Kokichi muttered, “how much money do you have?”

 

“Sixty-five,” Kaede replied, she had counted on the way and made sure not to forget.

 

“I’ve never worked for that little,” Kokichi sounded almost offended, “but I can make an exception, if your reason is good enough.”

 

“He… has a wife who is… crippled,” Kaede started, “they’re out of work… and their kids… are starving.”

 

Kokichi gave her a black stare, “That was the worst lie I’ve ever heard.”

 

Kaede slammed her hands on the table, “I need him to help me avenge my murdered sister, we’re close to the man who killed her!”

 

Kokichi’s expression remained unchanged, “The first one was better,” he walked towards a counter in the back, picking up a bellows, “let’s ask him.”

 

“How? He’s dead, he can’t talk.”

 

“That’s only ‘cause you’ve never tried talking to them,” Kokichi smiled, before putting the bellows in Ryoma’s mouth and pushing air in, “what is it? What do you have that’s worth living for?”

 

“True looove.”

 

“Did you hear that?” Kaede said, surprised, “true love! What’s a better reason than that?”

 

“True love is the best reason,” Kokichi conceded, “except maybe a nice MLT, you know, mutton lettuce and tomato? Or maybe a good cough drop, but, what he obviously said was to blave, which obviously means to bluff. What? Did he cheat on cards or-“

 

“Liar!” Kiibo suddenly stormed into the room, “I heard the whole thing! He said true love!”

 

“Gah! Robot!” Kokichi yelled, acting more surprised than he was.

 

“I may be a robot, but I’m also your husband!” Kiibo said, “you’ve been like this ever since Tsumugi fired you!”

 

“Don’t say that name!”

 

“Tsumugi! Tsumugi! Tsumugi!” Kiibo started, chasing Kokichi around the room.

 

“Lalalala, I can’t hear you!” Kokichi covered his ears with his hands.

 

“That’s Shuichi’s true love!” Kaede yelled, “you help him, he’ll ruin the wedding, humiliating Tsumugi!”

 

“Really?” Kokichi perked up, “she’ll be humiliated?”

 

“Yes!” Kaede said, “humiliations galore.”

 

Kokichi smiled widely, “Let’s get to it, Kiibo!” 

 

Kiibo smiled, “I’ll prepare the optimal amounts of ingredients!”

 

“One miracle coming up!” Kokichi cheerfully said.

 

_ Some time had passed, and Kokichi was putting the finishing touches on the miracle pill. _

 

“Why chocolate?” Kaede asked.

 

“The chocolate makes it go down easier,” Kiibo stated.

 

“Ok!” Kokichi handed them the pill, “wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn’t go swimming for what? An hour?”

 

Kiibo nodded, “Yes, an hour.”

 

Kaede hugged them, before running out the door, Gonta in tow, “Thank you!”

 

“Have fun storming the castle!” Kokichi called after them. 

 

“Do you believe they’ll make it?” Kiibo sincerely asked.

 

Kokichi scoffed, “It’ll take a miracle.”

 

_ The duo of Gonta and Kaede sat on the wall outside the castle, Ryoma’s lifeless body between them. _

 

“Ok, we need to give him the pill,” Kaede said, surveying the castle gate, before pulling out the miracle pill.

 

“Has it been fifteen minutes?” Gonta asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Kaede admitted, “but we don’t have any more time,” she shoved the pill into Ryoma’s mouth, forcing him to swallow it. 

 

Ryoma woke up, saw who he was with and immediately panicked, “I'll tear you apart! I’ll take you both together!”

 

“That was quick,” Kaede remarked.

 

“Why won’t my arms move? And why can’t I feel my legs?” Ryoma asked, starting to call down from his initial panic.

 

“You’ve been mostly dead,” Gonta answered.

 

“We asked Miracle Kokichi to make a pill to bring you back,” Kaede seconded.

 

“I see…” Ryoma looked contemplative, “Where’s Shuichi? What’s going on? Why are you helping me?”

 

“In the castle, the wedding’s in about half an hour, and I need you to get me in there to kill the count,“ Kaede provided.

 

“I see. What do we need to do to get in there?” Ryoma asked. 

 

“Get through that gate,” Kaede replied, lifting Ryoma up and allowing him to see the well guarded castle gate.

 

“You turned your head!” Gonta cheerfully said.

 

“I’ve always been a quick healer,” Ryoma nonchalantly, “what are our assets?”

 

“Your brains, Gonta’s strength, my skill,” Kaede replied.

 

Ryoma shook his head, “I don’t have enough time. Maybe in a month I could think of something but now… if only we had a wheelbarrow.”

 

Kaede turned to Gonta, “Do you remember where we put that wheelbarrow the maid had?”

 

Gonta nodded, “It in forest.”

 

“Alright, now all we need is a holocaust cloak.”

 

“Sorry, we can’t help you with that one,” Kaede ruefully said.

 

“Gonta have one!” Gonta pulled out the cloak.

 

“Where’d you get that?” Kaede asked, surprised.

 

“Miracle Kokichi gave it to me. Say it fit nice,” Gonta replied.

 

“Perfect. I’m gonna need a sword,” Ryoma added.

 

Kaede looked at him, confused, “You can’t lift your arms.”

 

“It’s not like anyone knows that,” Ryoma replied, “besides, things may get messy inside.”

 

“I’ll say,” Kaede muttered, getting up to grab the wheelbarrow.

 

“Kaede?” Gonta muttered.

 

“Yes, Gonta?”

 

“I hope we win.”

 

_ Inside the chapel, the wedding was just about to be underway. Shuichi was dressed in his wedding garb, obviously unhappy. _

 

“What’s wrong?” Tsumugi asked, even though she already knew the answer, “you aren’t excited for the wedding?”

 

“Should I be?” Shuichi replied, looking at Tsumugi’s reflection in the mirror.

 

“I’ve heard people usually are,” Tsumugi replied.

 

Shuichi just put his head down.

 

_ The impressive clergyman getting ready to officiate the wedding was, honestly, annoyed. Why did he have to officiate the princess’s wedding? He was old, he wanted to be done with all this stuff but, well, might as well give it his all. Hopefully, it would be his last before retirement. _

 

“Mawwage! Mawwage is what bwings is togethew today! That bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam!” The wedding was starting.

 

Outside, Kaito was shaking, “S-stand your ground!” He yelled at the soldiers.

 

_ Coming towards them was a large cloaked figure, seemingly floating off the ground. The darkness around them concealing that Kaede was pushing a cloaked Gonta on a wheelbarrow. _

 

“I am the dread pirate Ikusaba! There will be no survivors!” Gonta menacingly yelled.

 

“Now?” Kaede whisper groaned.

 

“Not yet,” Ryoma whispered back.

 

“Many are here! I am here! And soon you will not be here!”

 

“Now?” Another groan.

 

“Light him.”

 

_ The cloak burst into flames, causing the terrified soldiers to scatter. Only Kaito was left, trembling in his boots. The wheelbarrow rolled forward. _

 

“The dread pirate Ikusaba is  _ here for your soul _ !” Gonta menacingly pointed at Kaito.

 

“GHOST!” Kaito screamed, sprinting away, absolutely terrified, dropping the gate key in the process.

 

“That was easier than I expected,” Kaede admitted, picking up the gate key.

 

_ Meanwhile, in the chapel…  _

 

“Wove! Twue wove, will follow you fowevew—“

 

“Skip to the end,” Tsumugi hissed.

 

“Here he comes,” Shuichi smiled.

 

“Do you have the wing?“

 

Tsumugi handed him the ring, “I killed him myself, I watched him die.”

 

“Then why do you sound scared?”

 

“And do you, pwince Shuichi—“

 

“Just say man and wife,” Tsumugi insisted.

 

The impressive clergyman gave her a blank look, “Man and wife.”

 

“Take him to the honeymoon suite,” Tsumugi ordered.

 

_ Korekiyo stood in the corridor, noting the guards taking Shuichi away. With him were four of his most skilled guards, waiting for whoever caused the commotion outside. As expected, they came quickly. _

 

“Kill the giant and the girl, leave the other one,” he was surprised to find Ryoma alive.

 

Kaede swiftly dispatched one of the guards, “Hello! My name is Kaede Akamatsu,” down went another guard, “you killed my sister,” a third came next, “prepare to die!” The final guard went down as quick as the last.

 

Korekiyo took out his sword, getting into an offensive stance, before running away.

 

“I’ll be right back,” Kaede said, already running after Korekiyo.

 

She was quickly stopped by a locked door, “Gonta! Please, help me!” She called, trying and failing to knock it down herself.

 

“Gonta can’t leave him!” Gonta yelled back.

 

“It’ll only take a second!”

 

Gonta worriedly looked at Ryoma, draping him across a suit of armor, “Stay here,” he quickly went to Kaede and rammed the door down, before running back to find Ryoma’s body gone. “Gonta confused…” he started wandering, searching for Ryoma.

 

Kaede quickly shuffled down the stairs, crashing into the dining room at the base of the stairwell, and getting stabbed in the stomach from a well-timed knife Korekiyo threw.

 

Kaede clutched her stomach, trying to brush aside the pain, “Sis… I’m sorry…”

 

“Oh,” Korekiyo made a surprised sound, “you’re that child I taught a lesson to. You’ve been chasing me all this time only to fail now? What a beautiful display of humanity.”

 

——

 

_ Shuichi was in the honeymoon suite, pulling out a knife. Ryoma hadn’t come for him so what was the point? _

 

“It would be a shame to mar your beautiful skin,” he heard a familiar voice that seemed too good to be true.

 

Shuichi turned around, shocked at what he saw, “Ryoma! You came,” he threw his arms around Ryoma, kissing him deeply, “hold me.”

 

“Please—“

 

“What’s wrong?” Shuichi let go of his head.

 

“Ow,” Ryoma grimaced as his head hit the wall behind him.

 

“You can’t move?”

 

——

 

Kaede started at Korekiyo, vision blurring. No! No! It couldn’t end like this! She wouldn’t allow it! She stood up.

 

“You’re still trying?” Korekiyo gave a small smile, “how wonderful.”

 

“My name…” her body was so heavy… Kaede slumped, “is Kaede Akamatsu,” she weakly parried Korekiyo’s sword thrust, “you killed my sister,” another parry, with more strength behind it, “prepare to die.” She thrust, getting parried herself but gaining traction. “My name is Kaede Akamatsu,” she thrust forward again, missing again but gaining momentum, “you killed my sister, prepare to die.” She lightly stabbed Korekiyo in the stomach, proving she was still dangerous. “My name is Kaede Akamatsu!” She stabbed him again, harder this time, “you killed my sister! Prepare to die!” 

 

“Stop saying that!” The injured Korekiyo yelled, putting pressure on his new stomach wound.

 

“Hello!” She stabbed him in the shoulder, “My name is Kaede Akamatsu!” A slash on his cheek, “you killed my sister! Prepare to die!” A slash on his other cheek.

 

“No!”

 

Kaede put her sword against his throat, “Offer me money.”

 

“Yes!”

 

“Power too!”

 

“Everything I have and more!”

 

“Offer me everything I ask for!”

 

“Yes! Yes, of course!”

 

“I want my sister back!” Kaede screamed, stabbing him through the heart. After she was sure he was dead, she slumped down. It was over. She had done it. Her sister could finally rest in piece. But… she couldn’t help but think she was forgetting something…

 

In the honeymoon suite, Shuichi cradled Ryoma’s head, “Can you ever forgive me?”

 

“That’s what I should be asking you,” Ryoma chuckled.

 

Shuichi smiled, “I’m sorry. I got married, I didn’t agree to it.”

 

“It never happened,” Ryoma replied.

 

Shuichi looked confused, “But it did, I was there.”

 

“You said it yourself, you didn’t agree to it, so it didn’t happen.”

 

Shuichi smiled, “I guess not. More importantly, what happened to you?”

 

“Why don’t you ask the princess.”

 

Tsumugi sighed, “I guess we’ll have to redo the part where you die. So, to the death!”

 

“No! To the pain,” Ryoma angrily yelled.

 

“That’s not how it usually goes,” Tsumugi muttered, “what does that even mean?”

 

“Let me explain,” Ryoma started, “To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet just below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.”

 

“Then my tongue, right?” Tsumugi sighed, “I’ll make sure not to kill you too quickly tonight.”

 

“No, you’ll lose your right eye, then your left.”

 

“Then my ears, right?”

 

“No, you’ll keep your ears, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child that sees your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every baby that weeps at you, every woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever, only able to scream.”

 

“You’re bluffing,” Tsumugi said, although she was sweating from that graphic description.

 

“Maybe I am, but maybe not,” Ryoma said, he struggled but stood up, holding his sword, “care to find out?”

 

Tsumugi dropped her weapon. 

 

“Sit down,” Ryoma turned to Shuichi as she did, “can you tie her up? As hard as you like.”

 

Shuichi ties her to the chair, tightly and painfully as Kaede ran into the room, arm over her crudely bandaged stomach wound, “Where’s Gonta?” She asked.

 

“I thought he was with you,” Ryoma stumbled, but Shuichi caught him.

 

“I knew you were bluffing,” Tsumugi grumbled.

 

“Should I kill her?” Kaede asked.

 

“No, let her live knowing her perfect plans failed,” Shuichi said.

 

“You know about those?” Tsumugi sounded surprised.

 

“I’m smarter than you think,” Shuichi muttered, “and you let me have free reign around the castle, so I took some… preventive measures.”

 

“Are you sure?” Ryoma asked, holding his hand.

 

Shuichi nodded, smiling, “Um, how are we going to get out of here?”

 

“Kaede!” The group heard a call from a window and the trio of people who weren’t tied to a chair went over to it. 

 

“Gonta!” Kaede called back.

 

Gonta frantically looked around and smiled with relief when he saw them, “Gonta sorry. He got lost but found horses! Four white horses, one for everyone, including prince.”

 

Kaede smiled, “Gonta! You did great. How are we going to get down there?”

 

“Gonta will catch!” Gonta held out his arms, “only one at time, though.”

 

“You first,” Ryoma gestured for Shuichi to jump.

 

“No, no, you both are injured, I should go last,” Shuichi insisted. 

 

“We don’t have time for this!” Kaede said, jumping out. Gonta caught her and helped her onto one of the horses, putting his arms out again once she was safely on.

 

Ryoma shrugged, putting a hand on Shuichi’s back to get him to jump next, and he did, Gonta cheerfully catching him, “Very pretty!” 

 

Shuichi blushed, “Thank you.”

 

Ryoma jumped out last, giving Tsumugi one last look before he did, “He’s quite the charmer.”

 

The group was about to ride off, only to be stopped by Kaito, who had gotten the group of guards back together, “Let Shuichi go!”

 

“Kaito!” Shuichi started.

 

“Don’t worry I’ll save you!” Kaito declared, raising his arm to give the signal to charge.

 

“Kaito!”

 

“We can’t take them,” Ryoma muttered.

 

“Guards—!” 

 

“KAITO!” Shuichi yelled, effectively cutting him off, “I’m alright! This is Ryoma!” 

 

Kaito lowered his arm, “It is? Glad that worked out! Where’s Tsumugi?”

 

“She’s in the honeymoon suite,” Shuichi replied, “now, would you please let us through?”

 

“Of course! Guards! Out of the way!” Kaito signaled, allowing the group through, “we’re headed to the honeymoon suite to arrest the princess.”

 

“Wow,” Kaede said.

 

Ryoma smiled, “That’s Shuichi for you, charming everyone wherever he goes.”

 

Shuichi blushed, “Please, we just talked some, he was a good ally inside the castle.”

 

“You’re adorable.”

 

Kaede was lost in thought, “What are we going to do now?” 

 

Ryoma smiled, “You know, you’d make a great dread pirate Ikusaba.”

 

**The library**

 

“They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, they knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over the two and as they reached for each other…” Maki closed the book.

 

“What was that?” One kid asked.

 

“You guys kept complaining about the kissing parts,” Maki stated.

 

“I liked them!” A younger one insisted.

 

“I’ll read it if you all agree.”

 

Murmurs swept through the group of children.

 

“Please read it Miss Maki,” one of the kids who had adamantly disliked the kissing parts muttered.

 

Maki smiled, “Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all in the dust. The end,” Maki closed the book, “that’s the end of story time, go play.”

 

The herd of kids cheered, although whether it was because the story was good or because they could finally play was debatable. 

 

One of the kids went up to Maki, “Miss Maki,” she muttered, “can you read the story again tomorrow?”

 

Maki looked at her, before giving a contented look, “As you wish.”

**Author's Note:**

> This took me like... two months but I finally finished it wooh!! I really love the princess bride and dr so I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while and I’m glad I got to!! 
> 
> And @ the villain characters sorry I love you all I needed villains. Except Miu she’s a perfect Vizzini and especially kaito you didn’t deserve that ghost shit but such is life
> 
> And as always thank you very much for reading!! I sincerely hope you enjoyed it!!


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